How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Randomize
