My hair reeks of homosexuality.
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I seem to have left my pride at pride
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Randomize
