How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
