I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
