you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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