grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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