Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
