She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Randomize
