is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
is wine microwaveable?
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
