If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Randomize
