Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
