i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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