After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
