got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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