btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
