At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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