The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
