I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Randomize
