4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
