i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
