he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Come on in and take your pants off
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