im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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