So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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