Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
