1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Randomize
