I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
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