I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
