I cannot find my penis.
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Randomize
