God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
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