If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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