ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
