What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
