listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
