You can't motorboat a personality
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Randomize
