Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
