I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
