You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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