somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
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