I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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