I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
