my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
