i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
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