The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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