so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
