Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
