I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
