I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
