I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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