Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Randomize
