happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Enjoy the penises
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
