This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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