You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Randomize
